Sail boat, designer luggage and a home gym? Not in a million years

Mooching around Wolverhampton city centre the other day, I was accosted by a stranger.

Normally, this means digging around for change, a swift detour or looking for the nearest copper.

According to the 2,000 people surveyed by home improvement company Synseal, having a cleaner, a nanny, an Aga and being able to dine on lobster, are also signs we've hit life's jackpot.

So, how many can you tick off?

1. Holiday home

2. Children go to public school

3. A cleaner

4. A nanny

5. Frequent shopping trips to other cities

6. Annual ski trips

7. Cricket whites

8. Have flown first class

9. A driveway longer than 200 yards

10. A wine cellar

11. A summer house

12. A house gym

13. A car for mainly weekend use

14. A ride-on lawnmower

15. A personal numberplate

16. A hot tub

17. Golf club membership

18. Enjoy sailing at weekends

19. A small orchard

20. A home cinema

21. An orangery

22. Shops at Waitrose

23. Electric garage doors

24. A wet room

25. Designer luggage

26. Attends horse racing/Ascot every year

27. A conservatory

28. An Aga

29. Eat lobster

31. His and her sinks

32. Log burner

33. A TV in every room

34. Member of tennis club

35. A fridge with ice dispenser

36. 400 thread cotton sheets

37. A pedigree dog

38. A wine cooler

39. Takes the dog to doggy day care

40. Takes the dog for treatments

41. A Facebook page littered with foreign holiday pictures

42. A golf handicap under 15

43. A lazy Susan

44. A picnic hamper

45. Matching bathrobes

46. Several gilets

47. Pony riding lessons for the kids

48. On first-name terms with the vicar

49. On first-name terms with the pub landlords

But this chap was different. For a start, he was polite.

"Excuse me," he proffered, "Are you the editor of the Express & Star?"

I'll be honest, a quick thrill ran through me. Recognised! In public!! Fame at last. This is what it must be like to be Daniel Wainwright.

But, alas, all was not what it seemed.

I'd just popped out to see the lead singer of The Beautiful South with a handful of protesters outside Next and the chap had overheard one of our staff covering the job pointing me out.

Apparently, his response was: "He's very young isn't he?"

I liked this guy from the start.

One quick chat about the Wolves later (play-offs, ay it?) and the very astute reader was on his way, as was Paul Heaton (the multi-million-selling singer in question) strolling anonymously down Dudley Street like everybody else going about their business. There's a guy who's really made it; great singer, great bloke, great bank account (probably).

As for the rest of us, who knows?

What we really need (#sarcasm) is one of those helpful lists trotted out by a company we've never heard of, to remind us just how empty and pointless our lives are without designer luggage, an orangery and electric garage doors.

Thankfully, home improvement company Synseal (me neither), has come up with just such a collection of items and lifestyle choices that let us know exactly how far we are falling short.

The full list is below, not to rub noses in it, but really for comedy purposes.

If anyone reading this has all 50, give me a shout and you'll also have a page dedicated to you and your perfect life in next week's paper.

It's laugh out loud stuff.

Who or what is a Lazy Susan? My ex from high school?

Who wants a TV bigger than 55 inches? Mr Magoo?

And, sorry to break it to you, but ONE gilet is too many, let alone several (yes Tim Sherwood, I'm looking at you).

Some ticks are easier than others; shops at Waitrose? Tick. But only when her family are coming round. A conservatory? Tick. It was there when I bought the house. Cleaner? Tick. (Girlfriend, to be accurate – same thing).

But a driveway longer than 200 yards, designer luggage and matching bathrobes?

Sounds like something from a Cinzano advert circa '79.

No thanks.

So have I got a home gym, a sail boat and a small orchard in the garden?

Never in a million years.

Apart from somewhere to lay your head, I'd say a good family, good friends and a good woman are all you need.

So on that basis . . . made it Ma, top of the world.