Kirsty Bosley: All those quirky gig-goers at the greatest shows on earth

I had been to pop concerts before with my older sister, but I hadn't seen anything quite like the metal-headed madness that came with seeing the New York thrashers.

For a start, they'd never been on Saturday morning telly, and Live & Kicking has been my only music visual aide aside from Top of the Pops.

I didn't have the internet at home, and YouTube was still only a fledgling, so I'd never seen a mosh pit before in my life. My auntie – who has seen pretty much every metal band worth their denim cut-off jacket since the early 80s – had told me about them, but it just didn't translate. I couldn't picture huge grown-men throwing themselves around, shoving one another viciously yet with no malice. It didn't sound right to me, and even now as I write this, more than a decade and too many mosh pits on, it still doesn't really – you just have to be there. Some things can't be adequately described with only words.

But other things can. You see, it's not just mosh pits that I learned all about when I started seeing bands live. There are certain types of gig goers that you're likely to find at any show, if you just cast your eyes over the crowd. I'll do my best to explain a bit about some of them here, but if I've missed any, tweet me @Bozzers and let me know! And if you're one of these, I want to know that too.

RECORDING REVELLERS

It doesn't make much sense to me that, when you've spent good money to go and see a band, you'd then choose to watch the entire thing on your iPhone screen. Why are you filming everything? Would it not be better to just watch the show with your own eyeballs? You've got enough brain capacity (I'd hope, though could be wrong) to store that kind of data. No one has ever come to me and said 'watch this crappy footage of a band you didn't go to see' while holding their phone in my face. I wouldn't want to see it. And furthermore, are those people sitting at home, watching the videos over and over? I can't imagine that they are. I mean, they couldn't even be bothered to watch it the first time around. So that begs the question: whose benefit is this filming for? And can you just put the chuffing phone down please, because I can't see over your stupid head.

SPEAKERS – THE BAD KIND

Not the big amps that blast out the sound, that's fine. The speakers though, they're the worst of the worst. Especially if you go to see a band that play anything acoustic, where the dramatic silences are all encompassing. Or they should be, if the wazzocks standing next to you weren't talking over it. I had this once, at a gig at Birmingham, and I made the error of calling them out over it. As Brand New played Play Crack The Sky, the crowd fell into an emotional silence. Well, almost. Some idiot Topman clothes horses standing near to me laughed and joked loudly over it. As there was no space to move, I asked: "Can you please just be quiet for this one?" I thought that was a fair request. "OH!" one of them shouted, "THIS GIRL THINKS SHE OWNS THE PLACE!" The other, in an equally emphasised shouty voice, replied, but I can't remember what he said because I was overwhelmed by rage as the song finished and I missed the lot. I didn't poke him really hard in the eye, nor chip into his shin with my boot. But that was more out of respect for Brand New and the security team, rather than my powers of self restraint.

DRUNK DANCERS

What's the point in getting absolutely smashed at a gig? You won't remember any of it and no one wants you slobbering all over them when they're trying to sing along. Worse still, everyone that's ever been in a mosh pit knows that if someone falls over, you make way to lift them back up – it's pit etiquette. How are they supposed to do that when you're flopping about all over the place like a fistful of sweaty silly putty? It's bad enough standing close enough to someone that you can actually feel their aura of warmth, let alone have them leaning on you like a lamp post because they've rendered themselves incapable of holding their own weight. Gross, get off.

BEER THROWERS

Even when I was a crazed young metalhead, throwing myself around like Bez vibing on E numbers, I hated this particular bad trait. You must have seen it – you're at a gig, the room is packed, and then some jerk throws a plastic cup with the dregs of their pint across the crowd, showering everyone else in their backwash. I understand that everyone is packed together so tightly that access to a bin is impossible, but if you're loathed to hold on to your almost-empty pint, can't you just drop it on the floor at your feet like a normal person? Are you really so excited that you can't deal with your own energy? Why are you throwing things? Are you six months old?

FRONT ROW RUNNERS

I have been one of these on more than one occasion. I think all young girls have – it seems to be a young girl thing. When I was 17, I went to see Slipknot and Slayer at the Birmingham NIA. The idea of not being as close as it was humanly possible to be was horrific to me, so I bailed on college at midday to run like the clappers to the venue to queue. I don't know what I was thinking now. When the doors opened, I sprinted to the barrier to cling on for dear life, and didn't move again until Slayer finished their encore. I didn't go to the loo, to get a drink or to actually enjoy myself freely without ferociously defending my stretch of barrier like a dog with a bone.

SIDE SKIRTERS

This is definitely me now. If there's a band on that I want to see, I have been known to skip the support acts, instead strolling in just before the main event and hanging out round the edges of the room, desperate not to have a stranger's sweat on me. It's hard to attend a gig swarming with humans when being touched by them makes you feel desperately uncomfortable. I think this requirement to just stand comfortably at the side has come as a result of age – my tolerance for other people (including Front Row Runners and Drunk Dancers) has waned as I've gotten older. I've been to see some bands that are now such old hat that there are more people standing around the edge than in the middle of the room. That's how I know it's not just me.