Ladies, time to get voting for the sexiest male hotties

Hurrah! A beyond-the-grave victory for the Stapester. He who laughs last and all that.

Yup, Helen Flanagan was this week voted the nation's favourite sexpot.

Officially. There was science and graphs and everything.

Mila Kunis won overall in FHM's International Inventory of Women.

I think that's what it's called.

Ninety-eight other lovely ladies featured. Were you on it? I wasn't (sad face). I think that means I no longer qualify as a human being – don't make the list, fail to exist.

There was even a party to celebrate all things sexy. London's Sanderson Hotel was awash with fake tan, jiggling boobs, thigh-high splits and reinforced Spanx. See, told you, sexy.

All the big names were there: Flanagan, Gemma Merna, Carly Baker, Chloe Cummings. It was like Oscar night. But a Wednesday. And with the cast of Hollyoaks.

In response to all this amazingness, I've decided to compile my own rival list: EAJ's International Guide Of Reallyfitmen.

Igor for short.

Igor will follow in the pioneering footsteps of FHM. There will be a carefully-considered ranking of male human beings, who will appear greased up in a number of phwoar-inducing photos, handily published in a little glossy booklet. There will be men in pants biting their fingers and pouting. The international symbols of sexiness.

Then we can have a party at London's Sanderson Hotel. On a Wednesday. With the cast of Hollyoaks.

You'd like that wouldn't you boys? A little shindig in honour of biceps and six-packs. We're not interested in your mind, achievements or soul, just look pretty will you. Take the advice of Les from Dogging Tales and spritz on the Lynx or Joop. Leave the bird mask at home, mind.

Now, I know Glamour and Company have "sexiest men in the world" lists but Igor will be different. We're having a party for starters.

And they use pictures of men in suits. Or arty black-and-white numbers of George Clooney walking along a beach, Brad Pitt riding a horse or David Beckham brushing a puppy. Igor is taking its lead from FHM. We're having full-on, half-naked, dead-behind-the-eyes sexiness. With baby oil. And no body hair.

Doesn't this sound like a perfect world? Pretty, slippery people reigning supreme.

With global symbols of perfection such as Georgia Salpa or Joey Essex held aloft, the rest of us will quickly learn the error of our ways. We'll be down the tanning salon and trussed up in a Hervé Léger knock-off before you can say 'vajazzle'.

So let's get started on Igor pronto. The good of mankind, not to mention the future of the false eyelash industry, depends on it. Quick! Cast your votes now before we get distracted with something stupid.

Y'know, like humour, mystery, personality or love.

One last thing

I'm being bullied into doing some exercise. And for charity too. I know, what has the world come to? 'Tis a ridiculous state of affairs. Still, I have given in to peer pressure and signed up for the challenge.

My trainers have been dusted off and I've purchased the finest pair of Primark jogging bottoms money can buy. So, that girl spluttering around West Park gasping for air? That's me. Please help.

Read Elizabeth Joyce's column first in the Weekend edition of the Express & Star.