The thing I hate most about gigs? The other people

However, there is one thing ruining it for me.

No, it's not the 50 quid tickets and £10 booking fee. Guess again.

The one thing ruining gigs for me is other people. That goes for comedy shows, plays and films too.

I've been a long-time sceptic of other people and my dislike boils down to a three-pronged reasoning: other people are loud, other people are rude, other people are annoying.

And nowhere – NOWHERE – is this more evident than at a gig or show.

Let's start with the worst of all. You know who Im talking about here: hecklers.

If you have ever heckled a comedian or pop star then I'm afraid to break it to you but you're a loser.

An unfunny loser at that.

No-one thinks you're witty, no-one thinks you're hilarious, we're all just sitting there embarrassed and thinking "Why. Dear Lord, Why?".

Next up are the talkers – the people who, despite shelling out nearly 100 quid for a night out – think nothing about chatting all the way through.

They're deep in conversation, cracking little in-jokes with the person next to them, and you're sitting there transfixed, unable to concentrate on anything but them and gradually dying of deep-rooted, slow-burning rage.

Look, talk as much as you want before and after but for those precious 90 minutes, keep schtum.

Anti-social eaters are next, those people who plonk themselves next to you with a pungent polystyrene tray of cheese and chili-covered nachos and think nothing of crunching and slurping away.

A particularly nasty neighbouring hotdog once turned my stomach so much, I had to flee the cinema. I've still never seen the end of Sin City. Thanks other person, thanks very much.

Drunk trendy girls are another enemy. "Oh my God, we're, like, so cool and kooky" they chatter, banging into you or climbing on to their despairing boyfriend's shoulders, completely blocking the view. They may look pretty but, trust me, there is no social group more annoying and offensive. Tell-tale signs are trilby hats, ironic denim and a sloshing glass of rose – if you spot any of these, head to the other side of the crowd. You can thank me later.

Phone slaves, moshers and folk who continually knock into you or kick your chair complete the whole horrid mess that is other people.

Why are you recording this entire gig on your phone? Why are you texting your mate from work? Why are you even here in the first place? Just some of the endless questions you want to scream in the face of the iPhone or BlackBerry addict in front.

As for moshing, well there's a time and a place for everything, kids. A tiny little gig in a venue the size of a shoebox is not one of them. Ouch! There go my glasses.

When it comes to the knockers and the kickers, well, there's no need for any words is there? You know the score.

Now, I'm aware that the above has come pouring out in a rather bonkers rant fuelled by years of stored-up frustration and borderline homicidal tendencies, but that's what other people do to you.

Other people are the enemy and we must stand up to them. It's me and you against me, you and the world.