Be the worst you can be, but hands off the goddess

Those are the words imprinted on the cover of my little black book.

Not that it contains the names of any middle-aged women desperate enough to do my washing and ironing while I settle down for a six-hour marathon in front of the History Channel.

But as a great title it's up there with my personal favourite, Eric Sykes' autobiography 'If I Don't Write It, Nobody Else Will'.

Be The Worst isn't intended as some weird lifestyle mantra. It doesn't promise to send you breaking bad or turn you into the baby-eating Bishop of Bath and Wells.

Instead it is a volume of rare gems that never fails to draw my many visitors (insert your own sarcastic smilie here) into its pages. Sky TV engineers, double-glazing salesmen and any other sad straggler that knocks on my door is always taken by the advice to 'be the worst you can be'.

Even Jehovah's Witnesses have been known to climb down from their Watchtowers and flick through it, between visits to my toilet.

Subjects covered range from the seven heavenly virtues to the Ten Commandments: "An overrated lifestyle guide, only succeeding in making people confused and guilty."

There are useful definitions: "A friend is someone who will help you move home. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body."

Strange facts about art: "The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in renaissance Florence to shave them off."

Some famous last words: "Either this wallpaper goes or I do." (Oscar Wilde 1854-1900)

And best of all is a section about failures including:

• Henry Ford’s first motor business went bankrupt, producing just 20 cars in two years, leaving him broke.

• Colonel Sanders had his secret recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken rejected more than 1,000 times before a restaurant finally agreed to ‘give it a go’.

• Stephen King’s first book Carrie received 30 rejections, causing him to throw it in a bin. His wife rescued it and encouraged him to keep trying.

• Elvis managed just one appearance at Nashville’s Grand Ole Opry in 1954 with the owner telling him: “You ain’t goin’ nowhere son – go back to driving a truck.”

• Walt Disney was once fired by a local newspaper because ‘he lacked imagination and had no good ideas’ (Editors eh? What do they know?).

So who is the bright literary spark behind this fascinating page-turner?

None other than millionaire PR guru Charles Saatchi, last seen 'throttling' wife Nigella outside a posh London restaurant. Answering a question about how he would like his obituary to read, he says simply:?"Heavily edited."

He may not get that wish.

And as the column inches start piling up against him, Charles is rumoured to be lining up a host of libel suits.

Maybe he should follow another piece of his own advice on this one. Page 87, half way down:?"Never pick a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel."

Or a domestic goddess wife with the media on her side, I suspect.

In the book Saatchi describes revenge as 'deeply pleasurable' and observes:?"It can come in many forms."

Yes, and as any good chef knows . . . it's a dish best served cold.