A bridezilla makes great viewing from safety of sofa

Autumn has those hairy-legged house spiders, winter has heavy-winged moths that endlessly thud at your window and spring pink, plump earthworms.

About those house spiders, why do they always scuttle across the carpet at 10pm on a Sunday when your dad/boyfriend/husband is on nights? Your spidey sense has being telling you all evening they're on their way but they purposely leave it to bedtime to ensure maximum terror. Swines. That's why they get the Febreze in my house.

Anyway, I digress.

Yes, every season has its own set of monsters we have to deal with but it's summer for me that plays host to the most terrifying creatures of all . . . brides.

I am petrified of brides. All that wide-eyed, stressed-out, slimmed-down, crying-over-placemats baggage they come with scares the bejesus out of me.

And yet, I am completely obsessed with it all too, which is why my new favourite programme is Four Weddings.

No show captures the true bitchiness and barking-mad nature of brides than Four Weddings. 'Tis perfection. With a veil on.

For those of who you have a life and the good sense not to watch Sky Living TV, let me explain.

The show sees four brides attend and rate each others' weddings in a bid to win a luxury honeymoon in some far-flung location.

They have to grade the dress, the food, the location and the overall experience – and if you think these women miss a single trick or let anything slide for the sake of good manners, you'd be wrong.

Point-losing criticisms on the show have genuinely included the following:

• The vegetable soup containing too many vegetables.

• The vicar being too enthusiastic about love.

• The bride having the nerve to wear a tiara.

• The groom wearing white shoes.

And the guest brides are so badly behaved too.

On a recent episode, some vile four-times-married, wonky-faced 40-year-old scoffed popcorn and biscuits during the ceremonies, rubbished every single dress and complained that the trifle could be used to wallpaper her lounge.

She eventually lost out to some bostin' Black Country lass who supports Wolves. I saw that as a sign from the gods.

All of this backstabbing and bellyaching only holds up a mirror to how ridiculous the whole wedding season is - and the fact that EVERY WEDDING LOOKS THE SAME. The churches, the confetti, the cake, it all ends up as one hazy, white wine-fuelled blur.

The show also highlights the bizarre transformation normal women go through when they get that ring on their finger.

Gone is their usual calm and collected personality and in its place a competitive and catty one. Not that I'm jealous. Honest, guv.

If your friend's getting married, you barely see them for the best part of a year and when you do, one minute they're hysterically happy, the next sobbing over a cancelled waistcoat order.

It's equal parts exhausting and baffling.

Talk about Jekyll and Bride.