It's not you, it's me . . . I just took a long time to realise

Put simply, I hate them.

Not you though. You're lovely.

The others and that annoying walking/talking/ breathing thing they've got going on. Freaks.

But I've had an epiphany recently.

I always thought it was the big things that so riled me regarding the others. Y'know, the dealbreakers: their opinions, their personalities, their hairstyles.

But not any more.

I've realised this week it's the little things. The meagre minutiae I shouldn't even be noticing, let alone stressing over.

Loud breathers, enthusiastic gum chewers, people who lick their fingers before turning a page – these are the ones boiling my blood.

I should be focusing all my negative energy on folk who really deserve it – war lords, drug dealers, Tulisa – but instead I'm gritting my teeth over that bloke in the office who stirs his tea too loud or the woman who starts every sentence with the words "at the end of the day . . .".

And do you know what brought me to this rather pathetic realisation? My mum eating ice cream.

Yes, my poor, long-suffering, patience-of-a-saint mum enjoying something cool and sweet in the blistering summer sun.

To me, her method is unacceptable.

And, spoilt brat that I am, I've been nagging her about this for years. "Muuuuuum," I whinge. "Just eat it normally will you? For God's sake, I can't even look at you."

And it was just as I was about to chastise her yet again for this most heinous of crimes that it hit me: it's me, not them.

My mum's just eating ice cream, that man's just stirring his tea, that finger-licker is simply trying to turn a page. The poor bloke just needs some purchase.

All these years and it's me. I'm the freak. Not them.

Other people are happily going about their daily lives, blissfully and sanely unaware that so-and-so maybe types a little too loud or such-and-such clomps their feet (seriously though such-and-such, you need to do something about that. We can hear you 10 minutes before we can see you. Chill it out, son).

And it's not as if I'm Little Miss Perfect. I'm pretty sure I have more annoying habits than most.

The main one being the incessant telling off of other people for the innocent and harmless way they're living their lives.

So in the interests of redemption, I thought I would confess all and then start afresh with a new non-judgemental outlook on life (!).

The following habits are unfortunately all true. Feel free to tell me off about them whenever you see fit. I deserve it.

Here's goes nothing: I gobble down food far too quickly, I dribble when I'm falling asleep, I pop my spots, I slouch, I talk about myself too much, all of the coasters, remote controls and DVDs in my house have to be lined up perfectly, I listen to the music of Britney Spears without irony.

Phew, I think that's the worst of them. I could carry on but they only give me 600 words.

Oh, and one more thing while I'm being good.

Sorry mum.

The ice creams are on me.