Can't get no sleep - and it is driving me bananas

Presumably the mice are sound asleep, and in an ideal world I would be, too.

But, as anybody who has ever wondered why EastEnders is still being made knows only too well, this is not an ideal world.

Yet again I've spent hours trying to get to sleep, but when I managed it I woke up after 40 minutes, apparently so that I could spend more hours trying to get to sleep again.

And so I've given up trying, which is why instead of enjoying another fabulous night out in the Land of Nod, I'm hunched over a keyboard ranting at you.

But I'm not alone. (Well, in sleeplessness at any rate. I've no idea if anyone else has been ranting at you).

A scoot around the 'net shows that just over half the population (51 per cent) claims to experience some sort of sleep problem, with women three times more likely to be affected than men.

According to the Great British Sleep Survey, which was carried out last year, this lack of slumber leads to low energy levels, relationship issues, problems concentrating and . . . what was I talking about again?

Meanwhile, research carried out at the University of British Columbia suggests that every hour of sleep lost at night may cost us one IQ point the following day. Which explains quite a lot about why commercial radio breakfast DJs are the way they are.

We spend a third of our lives sleeping, with the average person unconscious for 7.75 hours of every day. (Or 24 hours if that average person works in public relations.) But despite the amount of time we put in, scientists are still not quite sure why we do it.

Yet we all know if we don't drop off we become grumpy, groggy, forgetful and irritable. ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME? OH FOR GOD'S SAKE . . .

And that's just the start of it. Lack of sleep is also linked to weight gain and health problems.

When I was a child I had a book from the 1950s which claimed that if you stayed awake for five days and nights on the trot you would drop down dead. But as we know, that's not true. In fact, the current world record for going without sleep was set in 1965 by the fantastically named Randy Gardner.

He managed to stay awake for 11 days, but became so off his face with tiredness he began hallucinating that he was a top sportsman. I recall telling my wife – Kylie Minogue – this fact only the other week.

Lack of sleep was even cited as a contributory factor in the Chernobyl and Three Mile Island nuclear disasters. People made bad decisions because they were tired.

Now it's highly unlikely that Brian next door will end up causing The China Syndrome on Monday morning if he doesn't get a decent Sunday night's shut eye. But just to minimise the risk, what should he do?

Well, quite a lot of people are turning to pills. In 2011 the NHS spent £50m on sleeping tablets. But the trouble with pills is that they don't solve the problem.

According to the Royal College of Psychiatrists' website, there are simpler things that can be done, such as getting up at the same time every day, taking regular exercise, cutting down on caffeine and alcohol, not eating or drinking a lot late at night and – very important, this – not using Ecstasy, cocaine and amphetamines. "They are stimulants, and like caffeine, will tend to keep you awake". (Blimey, who'd have thought it?)

So, with that in mind I'm going back to bed. Night.

Damn. It's time to get up now.