Chunky knits, bonfires, red wine - why I love autumn

Finally, after months of same-old-same-old sunshine, autumn had arrived.

When the alarm started beeping and eyes were opened in a dark room, ears adjusting to the storm outside, I guess most of you despaired.

"Great, summer's over, the kids are back at school and it's chucking it down."

But, for a few of us, it was exactly what we'd be waiting for.

"Great, summer's over, the kids are back at school and it's chucking it down."

I know summer is stiff competition, what with its barbecues, music festivals and shimmering countryside, but I'm here to convince you why autumn is the superior season. Trust me, apart from those big hairy house spiders, it's king.

To convince you so, I've created a handy 15-point guide. I'm just good like that.

So, in no particular order, here's why we should all be glad autumn is finally here:

1. Huge glasses of red wine curled up by the fire.

2. The smell in the air on the morning of November 6.

3. Walking your dog through fields of crunchy, red leaves.

4. Dressing up for the Strictly Halloween special.

5. Wearing all your favourite clothes: chunky sweaters, cosy onesies, great boots.

6. Toffee apples.

7. Little kids with sparklers.

8. Lazy Sunday afternoons in the pub.

9. The start of all the really good telly.

10. Schoolchildren cheekily running on to your front garden for conkers.

11. Homemade chicken pie.

12. Sinking into the sofa with a good book while the rain beats at the window.

13. Getting all wrapped up and enjoying a pie and Bovril at floodlit footie night matches.

14. Sparking, frost-covered spiders' webs.

15. Steaming cups of hot chocolate.

This is autumn.

And this is why we should all love it.

One last thing

It's back.

Just when you thought it was safe to venture out of the Red Room of Pain, Fifty Shades of Grey mania returns.

As we all know, the books are pure pigswill and, unless miracles really do happen, the movie will follow suit.

After all, the characters of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey are so flawed and naff, even the most talented of actors would struggle to bring them to life. Quite how Don Johnson's daughter and that bloke who used to be on Queer As Folk will manage is anyone's guess.

The FSOG phenomenon was bad enough the first time round, when every bedtime, bus journey and sun lounger came with a copy of that little black book.

Then there was the product overkill: mugs, mints, keyrings, perfume and actual grey silk ties. Sexy keyrings? Really?

This time though, as with everything connected to the big screen, it's going to be more over the top, more outrageous.

But, as horrendous as the film will inevitably be, I'll still have to go and see it. It'll be too bad not to. Now that's masochism.