Farewell lazy Liz - the new me is a revelation

"That's mental. We need two. If you get five then you're paying for them yourself."

"Fine, I will."

"Fine."

"Fine!"

And so it went on, the man nearby balancing a length of guttering on his shoulder looking at us with despair in his eyes.

But actually, this curtain clash was a good thing.

It was the pinnacle of the most domesticated weekend of my life, where I quite possibly achieved more in 48 hours than the rest of the entire year.

Behold, dear reader, my list of achievements: all wardrobes and drawers cleared out; broken toilet seat fixed (don't ask), dodgy window repaired, food shopping done, home insurance sorted out, Virgin Media finally cancelled, curtains replenished with aforementioned shiny new hooks.

This flurry of activity has, rather sadly, been life-changing.

It's spurred me on to become even more efficient and ensure my work, home and social life are all in working order. In the words of my teenage saviour, Advantage Daily Acne Wash, everything's now Clean, Clear and Under Control.

My to-do list at work is a Mardi Gras of ticks. I'm churning out words like Russell Brand after five double espressos. I'm sure my rise is in the post, isn't it boss? (Don't hold your breath – ed).

This declutterisation (new word there for you all) off my world has been a revelation; I'm calmer, happier and more focused all from a little extra elbow grease.

I've finally seen the light that laziness doesn't pay and that stack of 1997 bank statements won't simply shred itself.

I've therefore decided to go into some sort of reverse hibernation and make this autumn the most active and productive yet.

Oh, and if you're wondering, we did need five packets of curtain hooks. I win.

One last thing

There is nothing new under the sun.

There is nothing new in The Sun.

Or anywhere else for that matter.

Everything at the minute seems to have a sense of déjà vu. Slimy spin doctors, feckless politicians, overpaid under-performing footballers; we've seen them all before.

Geeks queueing up overnight to buy the latest shoot 'em up and the iPhone 54.5; move along, there's nothing to see here.

Heck, it's even the fourth time around the block for the wannabes on X Factor. They should rename it Ex Factor.

Meanwhile, Channel 4's dedicating entire nights to programmes from the 1980s and Atomic Kitten are back on tour again. With a pregnant Katona.

It's like the entire country's out of fresh ideas. We're stuck in a rut.

We're on an endless cycle of repeats. The remote control has run out of batteries and we're left watching Dave.

Have I Got News For You? Not at this moment in time it seems.