Help! There's three people in my relationship

Okay, so I am not actually married but there are three people in my relationship. And yes, it is crowded, especially at bedtime.

This new relationship has, so far, lasted 18 months with absolutely no sign of losing momentum. Like Camilla and Charlie boy, I'd go as far to say that they are more in love than ever.

She's smaller, slimmer and brighter than me. He takes her everywhere; they are inseparable. Business and pleasure, they are always together.

And unlike me, she never gets tired, argumentative and she always, always looks glossy.

She is the ultimate girlfriend, it seems.

Am I jealous? Hell yeah!

But what can I do? She makes him happy. Very 'appy indeed.

Yes, that's right. In the (almost) words of Dr Hook: 'he's in love with a beautiful iPad'.

And it's all my own fault.

It was in my quest to be the ultimate girlfriend that I marched into the Apple shop brandishing his Christmas list requesting the latest gizmo.

I imagined it'd be an expensive fad with a shelf life of, say, three months (like all the usual man tools). Plus it was easier to wrap than a soap on a rope or a bottle of Port.

What I didn't predict was the almighty spanner it would throw in the works of our relationship.

iPad not only accompanies him everywhere, it accompanies us everywhere.

On the sofa; at the dining table; on holiday; in bed.

I've taken to wearing an eyemask in bed to avoid the glare of the iPad which I go to sleep to every night.

And I am not allowed to touch it. Ever. In fact the thought of my grubby fingers touching the hallowed swipe screen seems makes him recoil in horror.

His addiction to the iPad had become so alarming that I confided in a friend who had purchased the same bit of kit for her hubbie.

"Same story my end," she said defeatedly. "They're inseperable."

I've suggested we set up a support group.

Forget football or cricket widows, this is iPad widows 'r' us. Who's in? I know there are more of you out there.

Oh, of course, you need to know how to contact this group. You can reach me on my iPhone. It's always on. I'm never without it. Not even in bed.

One last thing

Along with the cleaning, cooking and generally domestic godliness, there's one other thing that the iPad can't do (yet).

That's humanely remove the enormous spiders infesting our house.

Last weekend, while watching X Factor, a particularly hairy-legged beast lumbered into the lounge to which there were shrieks of fright (from him).

He said that had I not been there, he'd have been marooned on the sofa indefinitely.

So, while he could probably manage without the cooking, cleaning and domestic godliness – that's what Pot Noodles and multi-purpose wipes are for, I know the spider removal service is still a necessity.

So until the iPad has an app for this activity, I think I still have a valid role in this relationship.