Andrew Owen: Y'all starting to speak like our pals from Uncle Sam

I was going to open with a nicely British 'hello', after which I was planning to ask if you'd had a good Christmas and New Year. (I know you can't answer me directly because I'm talking to you on a piece of paper – unless you're a skinflint cheapskate and reading this on the internet – but that's not the point right now. Stop confusing things. I was trying to be friendly.)

Anyway, I then decided – or figured, to stick with the American theme – that I should probably try and sound all transatlantic, sort of like Davy Jones from The Monkees. After all, everyone else is these days.

For example, have you noticed how we don't have shops any more (and not just because of supermarkets and tax-dodging internet retailers crushing the life out of every high street – little bit of politics, ladies and gentlemen, yes indeedy). Now we have 'stores'. The other day I was reading about how a well-known pizza chain, of American origin, was planning to open a 'new store' (as opposed to an old one) nearby.

Now in my day, that pizza chain would have been opening either a takeaway or a restaurant, but definitely not a store – for the obvious reason that it isn't one.

You may also have read about clothes stores opening (or, more likely, closing), book stores, and even bakery stores.

Many moons ago my primary school headmaster (this was in the days when you still had such things as headmasters and headmistresses) gave an assembly in which he told us of his time in America.

Back then people didn't fly about quite as much as they do now, and going to the US, where the sun never stopped shining and where they made Starsky & Hutch and Susannah Hoffs from The Bangles, was still quite an event – or a big deal, to use another Americanism.

Our headmaster had visited a number of US schools, and I can remember being terribly impressed when he told us that "over there, they don't have headmasters, they have principals. They'd say that I'm the principal of this school." He even adopted a mock American accent for that last bit.

Today, if the fruit of your loins is of school age, it's more than likely that he or she has a principal instead of what you and I had.

I have absolutely no idea when this change came about, or why. Is 'principal' supposed to sound more impressive than headmaster/mistress/teacher? Who decided that we should change, and why wasn't I asked for my opinion? Dammit, y'all, that just ain't right, y'know?

Of course, people have been moaning for years about American culture taking over the world. Columbus probably got it in the neck the moment he returned to tell people of his amazing discovery and everyone asked him why he was doing so 'in that accent'.

And I like America. It's a beautiful country and the people – the ones who aren't armed to the teeth, or mad – are usually very nice indeed.

But I'm not one of them, and unlike those who talk like they're living over there, who walk around with their trousers slung around their knees so we can see which brand of underwear they prefer, and use the phrase "my bad" in front of other human beings without feeling the need to immediately withdraw to a desert island for the next 50 years, I've managed to accept this.

Now then, having got that off my chest it's time for a large Coke, a Big Mac and fries and, possibly, a trip to see the latest Hollywood blockbuster at the movies.

Isn't it great to be British?