Elizabeth Joyce: Right lads, this is what us women really want

If you're a woman, stop reading now.

This column isn't for you, you already know everything I'm going to say.

Use this time to do something useful instead: boil the kettle, touch-up your roots, series link Four Weddings US. Y'know, important things.

No, this column is for the gents, and the gents alone.

Basically, I've decided to rip off a cinematic classic and tell you all What Women Want.

Now, as you've probably noticed – and, if you haven't, you definitely need to read on – Valentine's Day is upon us.

Ah, the day of St Valentine: 24 hours out of the year's 8,760 (there's some romantic maths for you) when the entire world goes hearts-and-flowers crazy.

It's also a time when we women are even more baffling than usual.

Either we're all for February 14 – bombarding you with demands for pink poodles, diamond rings and string quartets atop the Eiffel Tower, simple stuff like that – or we act all cool and aloof as if we don't care.

But really we do.

Of course we do.

All those girls out there, the "Valentine's Day is just a commercial moneytrap dreamed up by florists and card companies" girls, are kidding themselves.

They're kidding you too. But mainly themselves.

I simply refuse to believe that if their other half got up on the morning of February 14 and just strutted out of the door with no peck on the cheek for them, no cuppa in bed, no mention of those three little words, they'd be absolutely fine with it.

Not a chance.

Sure, they'll have painted themselves into a corner with all that talk of "no, of course you don't have to buy me anything, Valentine's Day is for saps and chavs", but that won't stop them from sulking. Oh no.

It'll just make their behaviour even more annoying and unfair as far as you're concerned.

Which is why, boys, if you've got one of these girls, it's best to ignore all that they say and just go along with with the fuzzy-lovey-dovey nonsense.

Seriously, just do it. What have you got to lose?

There is nothing wrong with telling your wife or girlfriend that you love them.

There is nothing wrong with being soppy and silly and buying a cupid-covered card or musical cuddly toy in the shape of a lovebug, à la Ross from Friends.

We women want all of these things. We want to be the centre of your attention. We want love and fuss and affection.

Even the girls who say they don't. Because, come on, let's face it, why wouldn't they?

I fully hold my hands up that I am a Valentine's victim.

I can't be bothered to be low-key and sophisticated about it: I want some slush.

I am a slush puppy.

I want a diamond-covered unicorn that recites the works of Lord Byron. Is that really too much to ask? Hey, at least I'm honest about it.

I fail to see what's so wrong with living in a pink and fluffy world for 24 hours instead of our usual grey universe.

So come on, lads, surprise your loved one on Friday. Even if she's the most serious and stuffy school ma'am around, a little token or trinket goes a long way.

You may not be able to buy love, but it's a good place to start.