Keith Harrison: Big news - There's no such thing as goblins

What's that you say? Utter nonsense, Mr H.

Of course it is, you'd get more sense from the 2010 UKIP manifesto. But people still fall for it – especially Sam Allardyce.

Normally, that sort of opening line mumbo-jumbo comes with some Gothic script on a Facebook post from the school drongo, still barking at the moon 30 years down the line.

After leaving my old James Woods High they went all witchy-woo, had some terrible relationship with a man who wore double denim, took in cats and they now fill their hours seeking out life-affirming slogans to affirm that they are alive.

You know the type. And you know the type of thing;

'Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain'

Yeah, right. Tell that to the Dawlish Morris Men and they'll tell you where to stick it.

With bells on.

'Ask yourself if what you're doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow'.

Yes. The weekend. Bed.

'Today is the perfect day for a perfect day'.

Well, I've overslept, trapped my hand in the ironing board, slipped on the ice, poked myself in the eye and lost my Renee and Renata Greatest Hit CD.

I'm guessing today's not going to be perfect.

I don't want to sound cold and cynical. But on this, I am, so that's how it comes across.

Anyway, so far, so harmless. But, as ever with t'interweb, it's full of nutters and they don't take long to surface.

I genuinely got one recently that said 'If you don't share this with 50 friends in the next five minutes, you will face a serious financial setback'.

Binned it, instantly, of course.

They've clearly got the wrong guy – as if I have 50 friends . . .

But just to prove them wrong, I put a large amount on Man Utd to beat Fulham at home. Boom. Easy money.

Even normally sensible human beings can get drawn into this twilight zone where common sense and rationality become optional extras.

My girlfriend, slightly mental but sensible enough to choose me, has an app on her phone that tells her what traits a 'Leo' has. But she IS a Leo; so why does she need an app to tell her what she's like?

Does she genuinely believe that some unique combination of the sextillion (that's a 1 and 21 zeros) known stars in space means she's going to be particularly gullible that day?

And how has Mystic Meg had time to count them all?

Maybe that's why the word 'gullible' doesn't appear in any dictionary.

There was a time when chain letters used to get passed around in a similar fashion, preying on the weak-willed and paranoid.

It was worse back then, because you had to shell out for a stamp, lick the envelope and find a post box. Served you right, if you were daft enough to fall for it, I suppose. Now, it's simpler, but no less nasty. Just press the button and dream of giving them a good clicking.

The good news is, I don't buy into it one iota.

So if you need to pass any of this nonsense on, send it to me and I'm pretty sure I'll still be here next week.

Goblins and dragons permitting, obviously.