Roll out the red carpet, it's time for an ad break

Eh? You what? I'm sitting here watching Gogglebox in my jimmy-jams, I didn't realise I needed to be red carpet ready. Quick, pass the GHDs and chuck that brew down the sink.

As ever, I'm baffled. When exactly did "advertising premieres" become A Thing?

Movies have premieres, rollercoasters have grand unveilings, albums have launch parties, but adverts? Do me a favour.

It's a rather tragic state of affairs that the crystal-voiced TV announcers are now bigging-up the ads. Why, when all that's actually happening is the flogging of some overpriced tat, are there glittering graphics, dramatic pauses and a sense that we're all about to view "something big"?

Obviously, the John Lewis Christmas ad is the daddy; the Vito Corleone of the advertising world.

The marketing bods behind it honestly deserve a pay rise because they've somehow managed to dupe the entire nation into thinking that a two-minute commercial for a posh shop is now an integral part of Christmas.

Yup, forget peace, love and goodwill to all men, Christmas is actually about a bear, a hare and a £12 alarm clock. Who knew? Oh, and don't forget Lily Allen spewing out a Keane song. Talk about a Bleak Midwinter.

In a sickeningly short space of time, the JLCA (yeah, that's right, it gets its own abbreviation) has become a tradition. It's something people look forward to, it's now a signpost that Christmas is on its way. Or should that be that Holidays Are Coming?

Since then, we've had Lego, M&S, Cadbury, Thomson, and now Cobra is getting in on the act.

Jeez, that last one really is a stinker, isn't it?

There's something inherently creepy about that whispering woman and her hisses of "the bosssss" and "BraaaaaCo". Brrr, gives me the heebie-jeebies.

And quite how the slimy boss of a bra-stitching factory relates to beer is beyond me. If that's the angle they were going for, they should have just booked Peter Barlow and be done with it. Hey, at the very least it would have saved on their budget, which – prepare to feel a bit sick here – was more than £4 million.

And if you want to feel really sick, check out their marketing spiel on the new ads.

"The campaign we've developed breaks from traditional advertising conventions from other world beer brands," says their brand director (no, me neither). "We're able to have a lot more fun with the brand through the strategy but at the same time land the complexity that goes into actually making Cobra so impossibly smooth.

"The on-trade hasn't been a focus for us in the past but because the campaign extends the brand to new occasions we can start to look at it more strategically moving forward."

Which takes me straight back to my initial point of: Eh? You what?

I don't know about you guys, but I need a drink...