Elizabeth Joyce: Wake me up when it's time to go back to bed

On that note, the best spot is a sun-drenched sofa in a conservatory or the electric-blanketed spare bed round your nan's house. There, I've done the research for you. You're welcome.

Anyways, yes, I'm horrible in the mornings: grumpy, greasy and habitually 10 minutes late for work.

I'm also horrible in the evenings: grumpier, greasier and with no desire to do anything other than watch six hours of ITV2.

I've never understood those "I'll sleep when I'm dead" people. You know, the one's who get up at 6am to exercise before work or think nothing about going swimming at nine o'clock at night.

Swimming? At nine o'clock? Madness. Absolute madness. I'll be fast asleep by the time you've walked through that little verruca-pool thingy.

And those people who go out clubbing (is that what you kids still call it?) at 1am and are still bopping about on their £17 New Look stilettos at 6am? Martians, that lot.

I want to sleep here, now, constantly.

From the minute my iPhone haemorrhages into life at 6.45am, I'm thinking about going back to the land of nod. Where I officially preside as mayor.

I'm always so comfy-cosy in my nice warm bed, I often think I could burst into a million tiny pieces of contented confetti at any moment.

The process of dragging myself out from under the covers and into that dismal dripping tap of a shower is therefore a painful one. It's also one that can take up to an hour. If I'm in a rush.

It's no better once I'm actually at work. In fact, I think it takes three cups of black coffee and 30 minutes of pratting about on Twitter before I'm able to communicate with other human beings.

The only comfort I can take from this pitiful existence is that I'm not alone. According to a new survey, one in four of us find 'morning people' mind-numbingly annoying.

Luckily, I work in a newsroom so there's not many happy smiley faces first thing – there's far too many hangovers and too much simmering resentment for that to happen. But, on the rare occasions I have had to encounter these cheery freaks, it hasn't been pleasant.

All that waving, smiling and questions about your well-being is unnatural I tell you. This behaviour is rarely acceptable at any time of day but before 9am? Forget about it.

Apparently, poor sleeping habits and an over-reliance on technology are to blame for this rise in grumpiness in the mornings.

I agree wholeheartedly about the technology thing – I'm far too busy pretending to be nice and chatting to people on social media to be nice and chat to people in real life.

You want a smile from me first thing? Send me a DM. I'll reply with a:

Until then, I'm going back to: