Letter: Children do not need to know about death

Letter: May I reply to the letter "Children must be considered at funerals" (Jan 26).

I say please do not take young children to funerals.

My first experience of a funeral was that of a little classmate when we were both eight. Our teachers had thought it right we should go to his funeral and our parents were guided by them.

I am a grandparent now but, to this day, I have never forgotten the sight of his mother trying to climb into the grave with him.

At 12, my best friend died and the school decided her friends should attend the funeral. I wish I could say at 12 I understood and coped with it better.

At 15, I attended another friend's funeral and it didn't get better.

In later years I attended my friend's husband's funeral and his daughter had taken his little grandchild who asked, "Is grandad in that box?" She was told "yes" – and had nightmares.

As adults we remind ourselves that's the way it has to be and come to terms with it. It would be very unusual for a child to be able do that.

We need to explain to children, in the language of childhood, what has happened; that we will not see that person again – or, in the case of some beliefs, that we will see them again one day – and that they are now, wherever the child finds it easiest to accept.

To those who say children should always be told the truth, I ask who and what is this honesty for? The child's benefit? Or a set of principles which leave no room for the very real fears and uncertainties of childhood?

Name and address supplied