'My plan for Miss World rebooted for today's TV'

For those of you lucky enough not to have lived in those terrible times – and we're talking mainly about the 1970s – Miss World was a shameful and degrading cattle market in which contestants were expected to wear outmoded and sexist costumes, dresses, and swimsuits.

They were judged on their appearance and on the extent of their desire for world peace and to work with children.

Even in its own time there were protests and outrage.

You may think that it would be impossible to rehabilitate such a format for today's Age of Enlightenment, but I have awoken, so to speak, and I think I've found a way.

I present to you... drum roll... Masked and Naked Miss World.

This format steps away from that disgusting 1970s exploitation and gives it a welcome 21st century "fun factor." In Masked and Naked Miss World 2021 the contestants will be paraded on the stage stark naked and with their faces covered up.

Attributes

Laddish judges will then leer at their naked bodies and assess them entirely on their physical attributes, about which they will comment freely (e.g. "nice legs")

Those with bodies with which the judges find some flaw will be rejected, meaning the approved specimens of womanhood whose physical appeal is of a satisfactory level will make the final stages of this innovative new approach to Miss World.

At this point they will be unmasked, giving them at last a chance to speak and ask some simple questions, like where they're from, what they do, and probably something sexual.

Finally a Miss World in accord with the 21st century will be chosen.

The prize? Forget old hat ideas like winning a trophy or a luxury holiday. The ultimate reward for the winner will be an opportunity to sleep with the judges.

This is, I am sure you will agree, a fitting reimagining of Miss World, disinfecting it from the prurience and lasciviousness which was such a stain, and showing how far we have come since those dark days.

By dragging the competition from the Stone Age, it will be a demonstration of what better people we all are today in comparison to the dinosaurs and reactionaries of yesteryear. Self-hugs and pats on the back are in order.

Naturally in making my pitch I shall be looking for a suitable television channel to put the seal of approval on Masked and Naked Miss World, one with a reputation for being right-on, with-it, liberated, etc.

I have reason to believe that I've got a good chance with Channel Four.

And as I seem to be on a TV theme, I think it is time to unveil my findings based on lockdown research which reveal at last the most prolific fictional serial killer on whodunit crime shows. Look away now if you don't want to know the result.

I was once told, or read, or maybe overheard in a pub, that circumstantial evidence is strong evidence because it does not rely on fallible memory.

Putting that to the test, I have discovered that Hercule Poirot has got away with murder repeatedly, and in plain sight of viewers. Every time there is a murder, he is either on the spot, near the spot, or associated with somebody involved in some way.

Using an envelope and a broken pencil, I have worked out that the chances of that being a coincidence are 0.0012 per cent. This cunning killer throws investigators off the scent by saying he's from Belgium and presenting himself as some sort of detective.

He has got away with it for too long, I say. It is time for him to be brought to book. Poirot has a number of known associates throughout the TV murder mystery diaspora who similarly are always on or near the scene of every crime. They need to be rounded up too.

Listen

On the rare occasions I become lord of the remote control and have the freedom to flick over the 1,256 channels you can get nowadays, I am struck by how as I browse through I always seem to land on the advertising break. I thought that was because there was a lot of them, but somebody (hi Don!) mentioned the other day that it is set up to do that, and also that the smart televisions listen to your conversation and tailor the adverts accordingly.

So if during the evening you say "It's time to feed the dogs," or "hold on dogs, you'll have to wait for your walk," your smart TV hears it and, hey presto, you find that you have adverts for dog food and flea treatments.

Now it is possible that Don was pulling my leg and for my irresponsible spreading of rumour and falsehood I shall now get a thorough going over and public debagging by the BBC's "misinformation reporter," so don't take my word for it, although it would be interesting to know if it corresponds with other viewers' experiences.

Lastly, only one contribution so far to my appeal for a name which snappily describes the process of Scotland leaving the United Kingdom, after I rejected Scexit, disapproved of Jocks Away, and tentatively suggested the weak OffScot.

So thank you to Graham Leddington.

He says: "What about 'Scotchit?' Taken with a wee drop of water and a large pinch of salt of course!"