Pete Madeley on when Brexit isn't Brexit, the usual moaners and a new diet

Brexit moan part one...It is not hard to conclude that some of our politicians may be trying to pull the wool over the eyes of the long-suffering public when it comes to our departure from the EU. For a while it has been patently obvious that not many of them have either the heart or desire to carry out the wishes of the British people. The latest self-created stumbling block is the customs union/agreement/arrangement or whatever it is the Prime Minister decides to call it next week. One thing is for sure, it is definitely not Brexit. Anyone would think they were trying to make the whole thing so complicated that we will all have lost interest in it by next year.

Brexit moan part two. . . The only saving grace for Brexiteers is the ineptitude of the characters that Remoaner Central keeps pushing forward to carry the pro-EU argument. The likes of Tony Blair and Peter Mandelson were bad enough, but the recent appearance of David Miliband, Nick Clegg and Nicky Morgan to bang the EU drum at a rice factory in Essex really did represent the sound of the barrel being scraped. I can only imagine that Miliband, who has been getting on people’s nerves in America for the last five years, returned only to prove that he can be just as annoying as his hapless brother, Ed. That’s no easy feat, but to David’s credit he managed it with consummate ease.

Brexit moan part three. . . Of course, the main problem faced by anyone of a Brexit persuasion has nothing to do with customs arrangements or the single market. It is that those who really, really want us out of the EU – Boris Johnson, Liam Fox, David Davis and Jeremy Corbyn – are not entirely focused on the job in hand. To a man they are far too busy trying to orchestrate the collapse of the Government to be bothered with charting a trouble-free path out of the bloc.

We have now had more than a week to digest Israel’s stunning victory in the Eurovision song contest. Netta’s quirky ‘Toy’ was the toast of many following the voting in Lisbon, and since then there have been all manner of reasons put forward for her win. Some pundits claim it was a victory for female empowerment, with the songstress hitting a note that chimed with the #MeToo movement. The reality is likely to be far simpler. Netta’s song involved silly noises, an annoyingly catchy chorus and a chicken dance. In short, it was exactly the type of wonderful nonsense that has been winning at Eurovision for decades.

The ‘new’ Tom Watson looks fantastic after shedding nearly five stone in less than a year. It would be remiss of me to criticise Labour’s deputy leader for his efforts, after all, anyone who starts a diet and sticks to it deserves our full respect. But unlike his pal in this picture, I really hope he doesn’t take the weight-loss lark too far.

*Peter Rhodes is back tomorrow.