Andy Richardson: Nation in need of a boost
The nation is need of a boost.
And so BBC executives are hatching a plan to add a little more sparkle to Matt Hancock’s next Downing Street press conference. The grinning Health Secretary will take to the podium to the distinctive tuba-based theme of the hit 1950s comedy Hancock’s Half Hour.
One-liners previously fed to Kenneth Williams, Sid James and Hattie Jacques will be scripted for Professor Chris Whitty, Sir Patrick Vallance and Dr Jenny Harries – who will be nicknamed ‘Matron’. Canned laughter will be piped into the room as Hancock answers questions from Ian on the Isle of Wight. And Matt Hancock will also wear a Homburg Hat and astrakhan-collared coat in honour of the late Birmingham comic.
The mood in the Department of Health may be lifting as we move into an era of fewer daily deaths. That, however, is in contrast to the disposition of Chancellor Rishi Sunak, aka Our Future Prime Minister. The costs of Sunak’s much-vaunted furlough scheme are in – and it’s estimated he’s committed £40,000,000,000 for the first three months. Sunak’s calculator exploded when he worked it out. Little wonder he wants us back to work.
Social distancing is expected to last for 12 months and more people will be wearing masks; though not everyone appears to have got the memo about making their own. In California, a shopper wearing a Ku Klux Klan hood while buying mangos sparked a police investigation. The racist sulked after being told to remove it.
Elsewhere, a woman was filmed wearing a surgical mask with a hole cut out for her nose and mouth. She explained to a worried shop assistant that it helped her breathe more easily but was sent straight back to school for IQ training. The Oxford English Dictionary has added the word ‘Cov-idiot’ to this year’s edition.
Animals continue to enjoy flock-down in Turkey where more than 1,000 sheep gathered on the Black Sea coastal town of Samsun. Hedgehogs have been also caught indulging in ‘very noisy’ lovemaking. What we thought was rustling leaves is a prickly affair.
The Beckhams, meanwhile, are ploughing money into a PR campaign after Victoria’s disastrous plan to furlough staff. They may find even Rishi’s £40 billion isn’t enough. Their PR money might be better spent on staff wages – the ones that taxpayers had been due to pay.
