Andy Richardson: 'Stay Alert. What on earth does that mean?'
It’s time to use our common sense. That’s the Great British Common Sense that BoJo spoke of when he issued the world’s most bewildering lockdown-not-lockdown ideas.
To cut through the morass of mixed messages, we have come up with our own rules for lockdown-not-lockdown. Stick with us. We can do this.
First up: Stay Afloat. We’re allowed into the countryside for double exercise and unlimited mileage, people can literally drive the 1,100-mile round trip from Land’s End to Berwick-upon-Tweed if they wish. That means more people are heading to the coast. After all, beaches are free, the weather is good and ice creams are socially distanced (if you take your own). The advice for those making watery trips is clear: Stay Afloat.
Next up: Stay Awake. The Government continues to explain the minutiae of its new rulings at evening press conferences. Having become so bored of journalists that they now engage more happily with members of the public, Ministers explain that we can meet one family member but not two, unless it’s their birthday and we do it in a park while standing on a footbridge. Or something. Press Conferences were once a source of wonder; particularly when Rishi Sunak was speaking. Now they’ve become Turn Off TV. The message for those watching Downing Street Press Conferences is clear: Stay Awake.
Third up: Stay Apart. We kinda think this is what the apprentice Number 10 copywriter was meant to write when they switched from Stay Home. After all, Stay Apart is clear, unambiguous and helps to maintain physical distancing, which reduces the spread of Covid-19, reduces the pressure on the NHS and keeps us all safe. So, joking apart, the message for everyone is clear: Stay Apart.
Fourth up: Stay Abstract. One for the art students.
Fifth: Stay Accurate. One for accountants working from home.
Next: Stay Adventurous. These are challenging times. Stay one step ahead of lockdown blues by being adventurous. Climb Everest on your stairs. Run a marathon in the garden.
Seventh: Stay Affectionate. To avoiding fuelling the post-Covid-19 divorce rate. Send flowers and remind family members that you love them.
So there we have it. The all-new, easy-to-follow guidance. There’s only one we don’t understand: Stay Alert. What on earth does that mean?
