Andy Richardson: Going Dutch seems a good idea
The Dutch are ever one step ahead. The nation that invented Total Football, the submarine, telescope, microscope and fire hose has done it again.
This time, it’s invented physically-distanced restaurants. All that restaurateurs require is a little outdoor space – a pub garden or wide pavement is fine – and an account at B&Q.
Mediamatic, in Amsterdam, has installed greenhouses on the side of a canal. Diners sit within their Covid-19-free bubble as waiters pass them food on planks of wood. Given that guests are dining in greenhouses, it’s only a matter of time before they grow-their-own garnish.
Physical distancing on aeroplanes may lead to us putting our hands up and asking to use the toilet. The back-to-primary-school idea is intended to avoid queuing in the aisles. Train operators, meanwhile, plan to leave empty rows to ensure people remain 2m apart. Oh, and they promise trains will run on time too. We believe them.
Home Secretary Priti ‘Useless’ Patel remains conspicuous by her absence as BoJo and his gang of musketeers exert total dominion over the Cabinet. SuperDominic Cummings, Matt Hancock’s Half Hour, Dominic Raab, Rishi ‘Next Prime Minister’ Sunak and Michael ‘Trust Me, Go On, Trust Me’ Gove form the cabinet within a cabinet.
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Priti’s star has faded. Like Diane Abbott during her stumbling, error-filled years as Shadow Home Secretary, she provides comedy value rather than leadership. Even Business Secretary Alok Sharma and Grant Shapps appear to have surpassed her in the pecking order. Shapps, of course, is the cheeky chappie salesman who could literally sell bearskins to bears. He famously gave himself the pseudonym Michael Green while working in IT. As you do.
Sport will soon be back, with Premier League teams and cricketers getting ready for action. Project Restart is upon us as Liverpool look to belatedly end a run of 29 years without winning the league.
England, meanwhile, hope to play host to the West Indies for a three-test series that may be played in a biosecure bubble in Southampton.
Fools. England has worse rates of Covid-19 than the Caribbean, and the Caribbean has better cocktails. Surely it’s better to give Joe Root and co a trip to paradise where they can sip rum rather than Carlsberg and bathe in the sea rather than a communal bath. Who knows, they might even find a late-night pedalo.
