Andy Richardson: 'Welcome to Lockdown - The Sequel'
Here we go again. We’re told there’ll soon be 500,000 Covid tests per day but the required chemicals and machines aren’t available. Does anyone believe anything any more?
Welcome to Lockdown: The Sequel, still starring BoJo, Super Dom and Matt Hancock, with a cameo from Rishi Sunak (hopefully). While our blundering musketeers bribe people to eat at McDonalds and then introduce restaurant curfews, while they tell people to go back to work but don’t go back to work, and while BoJo rails at the frustrating minority who spoil it for everyone – the point at which Super Dom rolls his eyes and looks at the floor – Rishi slowly plots.
In the coming days, Rishi Sunak will – we hope – drop a targeted package of support for the industries that are no longer viable. Leisure, sport, entertainment – basically, lots of stuff covered by Hapless Minister of Fun Oliver Dowden, gawd help them – is for the high jump. Theatres won’t be able to trade for 12 months. Imagine that: 12 whole months without earning a penny as bills stack up. Administrators are circling.
Still, we can take heart that when BoJo told us not to wear a mask, he actually meant we should. When the Government told us we could soon go to cricket and football they actually meant we couldn’t. When BoJo promised Christmas wouldn’t be cancelled, he really meant it would. When Grant Shapps told us to fly off on our holidays, he actually meant we shouldn’t. And when Rishi gave us a tenner to Eat Out, he really intended us to get in quick before the coming curfew. Phew. Glad we got that sorted. Oh yes, and that thing about 12 weeks to turn the tide, it was really 12 months. Thankfully, we’ve got a world class track and trace system that doesn’t work, an app that’s been dropped like a hot stone and a protective ring around care homes. Phew. Dominic Raab has told the nation that the 10pm pub curfew is not a silver bullet – nor, in many eyes, is it even a good idea.
The National Trust has taken to telling the truth about colonialism and history slavery. Cue an irrelevant Anne Widdecombe protest and hilarity on Twitter. Plus ça change plus c’est la même. Mind you, Anne’s not so extreme as the Telegraph columnist whose response to her student son getting Covid was this: ‘Good’. Oh to be a fly on the wall. Still, things are looking up. I’ve just booked my holiday for 2031. Excited.
