Andy Richardson: 'The situation is spiralling out of control. Again.'

We’ve had all summer to strike the balance between protecting public health and protecting the economy.

As hospitals sound the alarm bells about running out of beds, how successfully has the Government’s prepared? Doctors and scientists predicted this. We are, however, witnessing a re-run of March’s disaster. Just like March, it is entirely avoidable.

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Track and trace is as successful as a Len Goodman comment on same-sex Strictly couples. Speed and targeting is key. It’s perhaps not surprising, therefore, that we’re as leaky as Liverpool’s defence.

The countries who acted quickest, rather than dithering like the UK, have been successful. South Korea, Singapore, Germany, France and even Trump’s Disunited States have better track and trace systems. We are still missing too many people, making basic errors on Excel and missing so many people as to render the system pretty much useless.

Boris promised a world-beating track and trace system. It isn’t that, it simply doesn’t work. There has been serial incompetence, ineptitude and inefficiency. The situation is spiralling out of control. Again.

Invention is the mother of necessity and the travel industry is determined to stay afloat. It is on the road to nowhere, quite literally, as Quantas offers a seven-hour flight ending at the same destination, Sydney. Passengers get to look out of the window, which is nice, unless it’s cloudy, in which case they get to listen to a crying three-year-old, an arguing couple and hostesses who sprays them with disinfectant. Singapore is joining the vogue for pointless, environmentally-destructive trips by provide luxury cruises that have no stops. Guests board in Singapore and float across Asia for 14 days before disembarking at the same place. Presumably that means passports are not required.

The Government wants arts professionals to retrain and Twitter is in meltdown as creative workers use an official app to find out what new career path they should take. A 64-year-old journalist has been told to become a boxer, a middle-aged pacifist to join the army, a writer ought to work as a prison officer.

Perhaps BoJo will log on and be told to retrain as a clown. Will Dom become a human SatNav? Or Trump will give it a go and be told to become a narcissist. No, hang on. I can see the mistake I just made.