Andy Richardson: 'It's tough at the top'
At last, we have the answer.
Forget AstraZeneca and Pfzier, forget Oxford and Moderna – the real answer to Covid is this: a Scotch egg. George Eustice told the nation what so many have always suspected; that a Scotch Egg along with eight pints definitely constitutes a substantial meal. Michael Govid-19 echoed those remarks with so much enthusiasm that he’s making a play to become the industry’s poster boy in its 2021 calendar.
This follows Honest Bob Jenrick’s earlier assertion that a Cornish Pasty is also a substantial meal, though only if it’s served with side orders. So make that Cornish Pasty and fries, please, and skip the salad, barman.
It’s heartening to know that we can rely on the Government to think of our welfare by promoting healthy eating. As Scotch Egg manufacturers of the world unite, brewers are also latching onto the notion of A Substantial Meal, in order to keep boozers open as we head into terminal lockdown.
New ales called A Substantial Meal have been brewed, so drinkers can enter a pub and legitimately order A Substantial Meal. The Government appears not to have differentiated between substantial meals served on plates and those served in pint glasses, so that’s probably OK too. As long as someone remembers to tell Rita Ora the rules, we’ll all be fine.
Sir Philip Green may go into selling Scotch eggs, given the collapse of his Arcadia group. The man who went from zero to hero is now worth a measly £950 million, having at one stage having owned a further £4 billion. Gah, it’s tough at the top. Though even tougher at the bottom, as his former workers are finding out. Having enjoyed a £1.2 billion dividend in 2005, tax-free of course, he’s probably looking forward to drinking champers for the rest of his life, while investing any loose change in Scotch eggs.
As Brexit nears its endgame, it’ll be interesting to learn how Michel Barnier feels about the day’s favourite pub snack – and whether tariffs will apply in January. Now that Super Dom has been expelled from Dysfunction Street by Princess Nut Nuts and BoJo, we’re inevitably heading for a deal that will leave us all worse off, though not as badly off as if we fell out without one. The fish argument is sorted. It would be great to control our own waters but that would mean not being able to sell the fish to Europe, so not great after all as they take 70 per cent. That’s an awful lot of herring Scotch eggs.
