Andy Richardson: 'After a woeful year, some rare good news'
Where’s Professor Jon Van-Tam when you need him?
The Government’s scientist-of-choice is probably busy saving lives when we need him to deliver one of his metaphors right now. As Brexit talks entered whatever it is that comes after extra time, JVT would have found a way to sum up the agony and paralysis of a process that was supposed to be oven-ready but lasted for 1,629 days… and counting.
It’s not as though Boris hasn’t experienced the messy break-up of relationships before. Of all men, he ought to have known that there’s never really a cordial agreement over who keeps the vinyl and who takes the dog, or, in this case, who gets the fish and who gets the financial services.
JVT might like the talks to the Wimbledon match between John Isner and Nicolas Mahut, which went on for so long – three days – that the rules were changed to ensure no repeats. Winning 70-68 in the fifth and final set, Isner broke the will of the Frenchman, in much the same way BoZo is trying to break the will of Macron. Except it doesn’t seem to be working. Perhaps our tennis-loving PM left his racket in Dysfunction Street.
Ursula Van Derlayed The Deal is offering jam or no jam, tariffs now or tariffs later – essentially, like it or lump it. BoZo isn’t fighting for a better economic future, even the planet’s amoeba now recognise we can only exit the EU in a worse financial position than we are in right now. He’s fighting for sovereignty, for which you might read the right to make ourselves poorer, for that’s what we can look forward to as Isner and Mahut thrash out the forehands and volleys of a deal that nobody wants, neither Brexiteers nor Remoaners.
Even Nigel Farage, the architect of all this, isn’t happy. In fact, nobody is. Which makes you wonder why… But let’s not worry about acts of economic self-harm, as Nicola Sturgeon tells Wills and Kate not to bother coming to Scotland and the nation passes through V-Day for a second time – though the 2020 version is Vaccines Day, rather than Victory Day.
As Bob Dylan wonders what to do with the $300 million he’s trousered for selling off his songs, the UK goes rogue by inserting law-breaking laws on Brexit and British restaurants throw in the towel after being crippled by Covid Tiers, the vaccine is here. After a woeful year, some rare good news. Now, setttle back, this won’t hurt at all.
