Rhodes on Keir's beer, Boris's bubbly and the lure of sun-drenched Sicily

“I am as determined in my pursuit of criminals as I am of beautiful women,” declared an inappropriate email from a Metropolitan Police officer to the victim of a mugging. I have a sudden flashback to The Fast Show. Is anyone else reminded of Swiss Tony?

Durham Police says that after reviewing the video it won't be taking action about Keir Starmer drinking beer with party colleagues. A spokesperson said: “We do not believe an offence has been established in relation to the legislation and guidance in place at that time.”

This is a useful reminder about pots and kettles. Only last week in the Commons, Starmer was making the melodramatic most of the Prime Minister's encounter with the Met as the “shameful spectacle of a PM subject to police investigation”. At that point, instead of slandering Starmer with that toxic riposte about Jimmy Savile, Johnson should have pointed out that, while the Prime Minister was subject to police investigation, so was the Leader of the Opposition.

I'm sure that if Starmer had been drinking with his mates at the local park in Durham, the police would have taken it further. The key point is that he was at a place of work. Which is exactly what Boris Johnson will be telling the Met. So what is the difference between Keir's beer and Boris's bubbly? We await the Met's verdict with fascination.

Being an MP is a great job. With perks and benefits even a backbench job is worth more than £100,000 a year. Then there's the prestige, the banquets and all sorts of jolly little earners. Why would anyone of sound mind stand down as an MP?

Step forward Ben Bradshaw (Lab, Exeter) who has announced after 25 years he won't contest the next General Election. At 61, he's not old, he's popular with the locals and could go on for years. So why quit? And then, while looking out on chilly England and blowing my frozen fingers for warmth, I read that Bradshaw and his husband have a small farm in Sicily where they plan to grow olives and vegetables. Which, frankly, sounds a lot more fun than campaigning for better drains in Exeter.

Strange thing. Sometimes when I type Partygate it comes out as Pantygate. Maybe that's the next scandal.