Rhodes on sudden wars, vested politicians and a curious translation in Friends

I had a moan on Monday about the curious instructions on a new security light from China (“wait for induction and do not work in the daytime,” etc). But on the international gibberish scale they are entirely outclassed by the translation of the US comedy series Friends, as being screened in China. After the translators had finished with one episode, the phrase “multiple orgasms” had become “women have endless gossips”.

The trouble with wars is that they can happen very suddenly. I remember, as a know-all teenager one sunny afternoon in June, 1967, patiently explaining to a World War Two veteran why it was most unlikely that Israel and the Arabs would go to war. “They've been at it since 6am,” he replied dryly. As the old advert for the Times put it: “Have you ever wished you were better informed?”

So by the time you read this, Russian shock troops could be pouring into a Kiev which, thanks to Western coverage, they expect to be defended by grannies with wooden rifles. But I have a hunch things may develop more slowly.

It hardly needs stating that President “Sleepy Joe” Biden and the embattled, partygoing Boris Johnson have vested reasons for posing as serious leaders and resolute commanders-in-chief, boldly facing down Putin's hordes. But the illusion is weakened by occasional voices from within Ukraine on the lines of: “Cool it, lads. It's not that serious so let's not ramp it up, eh?”

In the meantime, the vested reasons remain. Quite literally, in the case of Boris who is rarely seen these days not wearing a hi-viz vest. How long can he resist the temptation to slip into a bulletproof vest?

It is reported that Prince Charles wants his coronation to be shorter and cheaper than his mother's, which in 1953 involved 8,000 guests and 40,000 troops and cost about £46 million. We are told that Prince Charles's guests will be restricted to about 2,000. Can such parsimony exist?

The Coronation service will be an Anglican affair but with what HRH calls “a strong inter-faith dialogue”. And I dare say that when we see the final bill for the celebrations, all of us, believers and atheists alike, will be heard uttering the name of the Almighty.