Peter Rhodes on warships, whining and one good reason to go back to the office
According to old Australian folklore, you can always tell when a plane-load of Brits has landed because, even after the engines are switched off, the whining continues. Anyone else reminded of Meghan?
The sad truth is that the much-complaining Duchess of Sussex (“It takes a lot of effort to forgive”) entered British public life on a vast tidal wave of affection and goodwill, and blew it. It would be grand if next week's visit by the Sussexes repaired some damage but don't hold your breath.
The age of working from home may be drawing to a close. According to a survey, the forthcoming hike in domestic electricity could leave some workers facing a £2,500 rise in household bills and make them return to the office to save fuel.
And why stop there? With power cuts forecast, offices have many sockets where you can plug in LED lanterns and other blackout items from home. If anyone expresses surprise to find you at your desk after all these months, smile and explain piously: “I just felt the need to recharge my batteries.”
I once worked in an office (long ago and far away, you understand) where stealing company property was endemic. I was never tempted. There is no lower form of life than the bloke whose bathroom contains huge chunks of carbolic soap, or industrial-sized rolls of bog paper.
HMS Prince of Wales fulfilled its original purpose, of providing shipbuilding jobs in Gordon Brown's Scotland, even before it was launched. Even so, it would be good to get some strategic use out of this £3,000 million aircraft carrier, currently anchored off the Isle of Wight with a suspected duff propeller shaft. I dare say some old soldiers will be reminded of Britain's mighty Chieftain tank which, according to critics, was the best battle tank in the world - so long as it broke down in the right place.
The Guinness world record for sailing in a pumpkin has just been set by Duane Hansen who covered 38 miles on his vegetable-voyage down the Missouri River. You may feel tempted to grow your own pumpkin and challenge his record. Do think twice. Duane's veggie-vessel weighed 846lb. In pumpkin sailing, as in some other aspects of life, size matters.
