Peter Rhodes on drunken sailors, attack-adverts and the irresistible rise of the Sitzpinkler

At last, after a three-year hiatus caused by pandemic and refurbishment, it's back down to Stratford with my drama-reviewer hat on. And as always on press night, watching the people is at least as entertaining as watching the show.

How, for example, would the Swan Theatre audience respond to the new and thoroughly woke lavatory arrangements? The old urinals have been ripped out and replaced with the proudly-signed “All gender toilet cubicles.”

The maths is fascinating. We are told by those who know about such things, that there are 72 genders. Yet here there are only three all-gender cubicles. You might imagine dozens of gender-varied folk forming a diverse yet inclusive queue. Not at all. As far as I could see, women studiously avoided them and the smart new bogs were used only by men. Without going into grotesque details, the loos are clearly designed for sitting rather than standing. This is part of the global drive to turn the male of the species into what the Germans used to call a Sitzpinkler, a word which needs absolutely no translation.

For years, Sitzpinkler was an insult, implying the sitter-down was somehow unmanly. But the worm has, so to speak, turned, in recognition of the curious fact that the average male has great difficulty hitting a 2ft target at a range of 18ins. The Sitzpinklers' hour has come. Someone really ought to write a play about it.

Inside the Swan, the auditorium was packed. Only one person was wearing an anti-Covid face mask and she was the lady sitting next to me which made me feel mildly scrofulous. When we started chatting, she removed the mask. Curious.

After trouble with yobs, one boat hire firm on the Norfolk Broads has shocked customers by banning alcohol from its vessels. I defend the company's right to run its own boats as it sees fit, but how do you enforce such a rule? How many families will start their holidays by loading food and beverages into the hold, including a vacuum flask marked: “Dad's special orange juice?”