Letter: Grass not always greener on other side for Sussexes

It was a cold December day nearing their second Christmas since leaving the UK for their new life of freedom and more importantly wealth as Harry and Meghan Mountbatten-Windsor sat with their young son Archie in their freezing cold tower block council flat in downtown Vancouver overlooking the local burger establishment and they were not very happy.

It was cold because their electricity had been disconnected due to their inability to settle the bill as a result of their impoverished circumstances.

Harry had asked his grandmother Elizabeth back in England for a loan but she had left for her sprawling country estate at Sandringham for a slap-up Yuletide and had not answered his plea. Added to this was that he had left several telephone messages for his father, brother and grandfather who for some reason had always been busy when he called and who had never rung him back.

Meghan was naturally not happy and bemoaned that it was all the fault of Harry as they had been so well off until he decided that they should spread their wings, cast off their taxpayer subsidised lifestyle and live their own lives. She suggested that it may help if he got a job instead of being under her feet all the while adding that she knew for a fact that the fast food restaurant where she worked part-time was recruiting.

In private the Duchess had had to admit that their current plight was all her fault, but the plan had been to retain all the benefits without the darned inconvenience of having to undertake Royal duties. What had gone so wrong with such a simple plan? After a moment’s consideration she concluded that after all it was all the fault of the Duke, he should not have been so soft with his grandma who in turn had taken advantage.

She demanded to know why her advisors had not told her that there was never a vacancy for the role of Queen of Canada and the loss of that British title had really hampered her wealth creating plans because no one remembered her as a two-bit actress in some American soap drama. Fame, she fumed, was so short-lived.

Talents

It seemed that everything they tried slipped through their fingers and turned to sand. Even their perfectly reasonable suggestion that the new Canadian fifty dollar note should feature, under licence of course, their family portrait on both sides had been rebuffed. What is wrong with these people? They are supposed to be members of the Commonwealth, royalists and lovers of pomp, circumstance and self-egotism.

The Duchess had come to realise that her talents lay not in making money but in spending it, all their credit cards were now maxed out and collections were continually harassing them.

What a mistake they had made but it was still all Harry’s fault. Maybe, the HRH mused, the grass was not always greener on the other side, and what was that about geese and golden eggs that some commoners went on about?

Now thought Meghan, how about that position of Queen, I wonder if Kate is into job sharing, that crown would look so much better on me.

Alan Barnett, address supplied

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